Five Men Who Sort Of Intrigue Maria Minerva

We thought Maria Minerva was a hologram until we saw her play live earlier this week. She’s real, no doubt about that. And she did this for us.

Hi, I’m Maria Minerva, an aspiring underground pop starlet from Estonia, currently an east London resident and an MA student at Goldsmiths. Some people have said my music is sexy – I ask them: Do you know what sublimation is? Because I never get a date or do the things I sing about. VICE asked me to make a list of five men I would love to fuck, but that’s not really my thing. I prefer stalking people on the internet and daydreaming about real love.

5 (TYPES OF) MEN WHO SORT OF INTRIGUE ME 1.

LO-FI QTs

I’ve never been into rock stars, especially not into the east London skinny-jean type of guys – in 2011 they look like walking cliches. Once I sort of went on a date with a person who was in the Libertines (seriously!) but he had some ex-girlfriend drama going on and he disappeared on me and that made me ever more bitter. But I do think that some guys in the current lo-fi underground are really hot. I’ve been a bit obsessed with all of them: I think Ariel Pink, John Maus, Matt Mondanile (Ducktails), Daniel Martin-McCormick (Mi Ami/Sex Worker/Ital) and Sam Mehran (Outer Limits Recordings) are really funny, talented AND handsome avant rock stars. As I’m sort of in the same scene now I wanna meet them all ASAP (I’ve met three)!

EX-COLLEAGUE

I used to work part-time in a well-known bar in Shoreditch. One of my managers was an extremely good-looking French guy. In the beginning I thought he was a random dickhead as he didn’t pay any attention to me at all. The first time he actually spoke to me was when he saw me wearing a NEU! t-shirt. “Cool shirt,” he said. Then a few months passed, we realised that we have a similar taste in music. I also learned that he was good and kind and a bit macho – just enough to turn me on and not put me off. So we became good friends and I swear there was something in the air. One day he spanked me twice – but that was also my last day at work so now I don’t see him anymore and that’s that.

FLY-LO

I really like Flying Lotus. He is a genius. Good genes. Very tall. Nice lips. Likes to talk. Says you should always dance to your own music if you feel like it. I sense confidence but also good vibes.

MARK ZUCKERBERG ET AL

I have this thing for clever Jewish guys although I never meet them. Once an Orthodox Jew wanted to pick me up in Stamford Hill, though. But I grew up reading Saul Bellow and watching Woody Allen and there is something about that mentality that I find so intriguing. My natal chart said that my financial conditions will improve after marrying. I should probably look into the Jewish thing more.

SLAVOJ ZIZEK

I could not think of anyone anymore but my best friend and soulmate, also a Maria, had a major crush on Zizek in 2008. I think she had dreams of Slavoj and she also wanted to stalk him around London when he was here teaching. We never got to that but we both got more into Lacan.

Maria’s new album Cabaret Cixous is out now on Not Not Fun.

DUNC'N BADHUGE